so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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