I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
