soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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