Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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