in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Randomize
