Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
two words: eviction party
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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