i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
don't judge my taste in strippers
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
