The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
