I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
