Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
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