new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
