were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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