I got chris browned last night
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Randomize
