When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
