Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
