I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
