New invention idea: vibrating tampons
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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