he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
