i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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