she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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