You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Randomize
