Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
