I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
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