if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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