Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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