so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
