hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
