Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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