i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
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he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
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Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
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