Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
We were destined to go to rehab together
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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