Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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