All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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