Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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