U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
