he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
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Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
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somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize