So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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