I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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