i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Tornado booty call.. dedication
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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