Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
