Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
