You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
