My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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