just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
