mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
