Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
