i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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