Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
