he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
