i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
