you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
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Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
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Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??