My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
29 Super Simple DIY Drinking Games
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.