Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.