omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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