we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
it glows. i had to have it.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
