we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
