can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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