I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
