I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
