drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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