At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
