I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
