My liver just broke up with me...
I met the friendliest cop last night
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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