Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
